I'm a Lone Wolf

I think it's about time I accepted the role of 'lone wolf'.  Often times when I am alone I dwell on the ideals of relationships, and daydream about what kind of person I might want to spend the rest of my life with.  There are many people I know whom I have weighed the possibilities of dating, and thought concretely about pros and cons.  Just about every single night when I go to sleep, I have gone through in my mind a long list of people I am interested in, and tried to narrow it down to a person, or at least a select few people.  Maybe I've just been overly obsessive about the whole thing.  I even made profiles on a few dating sites in hope of finding someone.

Honestly though, I'm sick of the whole thing - I feel that it is a hopeless cause, yet I feel that I love all of my friends so much that I would happily date any of them (girls), even if I hardly know who they are: I have a lot of faith in humanity, and believe that all people are inherently pure and perfect just as they are; a similar philosophy to the ancient Chinese Taoist master Dogen.

I don't think any girls are interested in me - I can't think of a single person who has shown the slightest sign of interest.  Those who I have thought were interested, I found out the hard way that they weren't when I decided to pursue something with them - I've lost about 9 or 10 friends that way, and developed very awkward situations with a few others.

I have always felt like a 'lone wolf': a label given to somebody who has never depended on society or relationships for fulfillment.
It doesn't mean that I live without any help - my parents give me more help than I can even willfully accept, helping pay for school, housing, and food, as well as giving me rides every time I need to commute to Salem, and giving me random gifts every now and then.  I definitely do not live completely on my own.

I actually take a lot of honor in being a lone wolf, because I find it to be a very respectable role that only those with pure and strong hearts are capable of living.  It isn't easy at all, but it is what has led me to love nature so much - nature is there for me when nobody else is.

To be honest, I have always felt a little lonely, to the point where loneliness is a part of who I am - it no longer bothers me unless I have a lot of time to myself with nothing to do.  I don't have many close friends anymore - part of the reason is because I am just not accustomed to it.  I've always had myself to come back to, so that's what I've always done.  When I was in high school, I had some upper classmen friends who took me under their wing, and I miss them a lot.  When I entered college, that life was gone, and I was socially on my own.  Somehow all my closer friends are really colleagues that I don't really have that close of a relationship with.

I love everybody, because I practice feeling compassion for others when I meditate.  For each of you reading this, I love you.  It's because I love you that I want you to know my biggest struggle.


For now, I think it's best that I accept the role of the lone wolf, and stop looking for relationships.  Constantly looking without finding just leads to suffering.

(This is not intended to be a rant.  I just want people to know what's been going on in my mind, so I don't have to hold it in)